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It's kind of amazing that I managed to earn enough in the last month just from selling stuff, so that I'll actually be able to make it through August as well. Still, the clock's ticking. Make no mistake about it, I am in dire need of help, more than ever.
Adding insult to injury though, it's also been a tough month on the social front for me. I've been kicked out of a community I valued and loved, simply because I had an argument with one of the moderators (abusing his moderation powers) who then decided he wanted me gone. But it didn't quite end there: he went ahead and threatened to report me to various platforms for... yeah, for what exactly? Disagreeing with him? I don't know.
Another "friend" of mine, who already proved to be a reckless asshole in the past on multiple occasions (yet I was always willing to forgive), just cut their ties with me yesterday. Not only that, but now they're crying on Twitter all day long and making it look like I'm literally the worst person on earth... all the while they're collecting virtual back pats, making fun of my social status as well as conspiring against me to "get me off the internet" or something. This very same person claimed to be "scared", having anxiety attacks, for basically the same crap they're doing to me now. The hypocrisy is through the roof, it really can't get any more messed up than this.
Just a friendly reminder for everyone who's ever wronged me in any way: I'm nobody you want to be messing with. My eyes are everywhere, and I do not forget.
To all the other wonderful people out there - thank you very much for your love and support, and I hope you're having a great day. May the stars shine upon you.
I managed to sell a costume (my old 'Jack Sparrow' attire) that went for more than I could've imagined. This actually saved me for another month. At this point I don't even know how or why I'm still here, I guess I'm a lucky bastard after all.
I'd like to address some criticism I got the other day though. Someone saw me being generous, like I naturally am, on a certain Twitch stream. Yes, I dropped some more 'sub bombs' and made people happy, despite my current situation. So the person was wondering: why am I doing this?
The answer is pretty simple, really: I've come to terms with the circumstances and have "made my peace" so to speak. I accepted my fate. I'm not afraid, regardless of what happens to me in the near or far future. But - and this is the reason why I'm still gifting people - if you cannot bring happiness to others, then what's the point in living anyways?
So... I truly appreciate your concern; but the only person who gets to decide how I'm living my life is me. Thanks for your understanding.
If you've read everything below, you might be wondering: "How is this guy still able to be around, communicate, even stream on Twitch if he said he was in such a dire situation?"
Trust me: I still am. And it gets worse and worse every day. I had to start selling items of great sentimental value to push for another month or two. Had to embarrass and humiliate myself just to hold on a little while longer. But all that will soon and sure enough be for naught if nothing's going to change.
Sales for the game I'm developing have been more or less non-existent so far. I've got around 1.150 people on YouTube, 150 on Twitch and another 160 something on Twitter... not counting all the friends and people I reached out to personally over the last couple of weeks. Nobody wants to help. Not a single person - except for one good soul - bothered to even reply to my email.
This kind of ignorance... is truly devastating. I'm at a loss for words.
Dear stranger, friend, or whoever you may be...
I'd like to thank you for taking some time out of your day to read this. I know you could be doing something else entirely right now, and way more worthwhile. So I'll try to keep it as short as I can (although that probably means "several pages" anyways), but please bear with me. You've come here for a reason after all, I reckon.
I'm an involuntary full-time game developer. You'll understand what that means by the end of this document. To give you a little bit more of a background, allow me to fill you in on what happened during the late months of 2018.
I was living a pretty regular, everyday life. Had everything one could desire, had no issues, no real struggles. Of course we all have our ups and downs at some point, but that's neither here nor there. I was truly enjoying my life. But life didn't enjoy me, apparently, because it struck hard and in rapid succession all of a sudden. I really don't want to bore you with any specifics (neither would I feel comfortable to do so), but suffice to say that I lost my job due to false accusations by a colleague.
In a day and age where stuff like this gets thrown around all over the place, carelessly, with some people rather flocking to the "court of public opinion" on social media than pressing for legal action, words are powerful enough to destroy a livelihood in the blink of an eye. And it doesn't even matter if there's any evidence to back up the accusations, because there IS NONE, but nobody cares. My employer didn't care for certain.
I don't know if you can even begin to imagine how hard that hit me. I wasn't able to eat for a week, my sleep rhythm would become even more messed up than it already was. I had panic attacks during the day, not knowing what to do. I would distract myself by playing video games or watching movies or YouTube videos for 10-12 hours a day, sleeping through the other half.
Whenever I was chatting with close friends, and they were asking how things went, I would panic again and make up wild stories about how I discovered "alternative methods" of income, simply because I couldn't tell them with a straight face that I had no actual job anymore. I pushed away another person because they chose to open up and tell me about their own mental health struggles, yet I shrugged it off and was ignorant and told them that depression was always self inflicted, and then I proceeded to remove them from my life. I regret this and am deeply sorry, but I guess they hate me now.
All of this happened because I was too confused about my own situation. I've never experienced this extreme kind of loss and helplessness before. It damaged my personality in a sense. I was slowly losing myself in a web of lies to hold up the illusion that I was still the very same joyful guy everyone used to know me as - because that's what I've always wanted to be.
It didn't take too long until I was finally cracking underneath the immense pressure and started questioning myself: why didn't I just apply for a new job instead of drowning in sorrow? Alas, there are several answers to that. First off, I don't have a driver's license (which is a huge roadblock nowadays, apparently). I was lucky enough to get the previous job in the first place without having to move, but now that that's over, I wouldn't know where to go... and wouldn't be able to afford a relocation either, even if I were to find a new job somewhere else.
As it stands, right now I'm already behind on the apartment rent and pretty much every other bill there is. So whatever idea I could come up with to save the situation - my hands are literally tied by the lack of available budget, and it's killing me. That's not how I want to live. It just isn't.
Normally I'm a pretty upbeat guy, always joking, always trying to put a smile on people's faces. The latter would often cause me to selflessly donate generous amounts to folks that I either admire or just like to support for no reason. If you're reading this, and you've received a (gifted) subscription, bits or straight cash in the past - you know exactly what I'm talking about.
This habit of being supportive would never stop though, so I'd still be giving to people even when I should know better and care about myself first. But although it's been kind of self destructive over the last couple of months, I have no regrets whatsoever. I'd like to emphasize this with a quote from the Dalai Lama: "Our visit to this planet is short, so we should use our time meaningfully, which we can do by helping others wherever possible." - if my life had no such meaning, I honestly don't know where I would be today.
In early and mid January this year I attempted to end my life multiple times by alcohol poisoning, as well as thinking about jumping from the 4th story of my apartment building. At times I would start streaming on Twitch, completely hammered, yell and mumble incomprehensibly and then fall asleep and leave the stream unattended for hours on end, only to apologize to the few people who tuned in the day after. Again: if you've been to one of those streams, you know what I'm talking about. The archived broadcasts were deleted of course, because I didn't want people to have a wrong image of me. I was ashamed. Yet it happened at least twice, and I wish to god I could undo that.
I wish to god I could do anything at this point, anything that would help me get back on track. And this is where and why I struggled to even write all this: I'm a perfectionist, I've always been. I refuse to accept help for as long as I'm at least the tiniest bit convinced that I can do something about it on my own. If I work on something creative, I wouldn't release it unless I truly consider it "good enough" to my personal standards. This is why it took me weeks to build a single house in The Sims 4... this is why it took me months to complete a single settlement in Fallout 4... this is why I've never finished my "custom follower" mod for Skyrim, just to give you a few examples from the gaming space.
Now, the easiest way would probably be to just open a gofundme campaign and straight up ask people for their support. I know many who do this, it works for them, and it's fine. But I would instantly feel bad because I'd think I don't deserve it. Getting something "for free" has never been a thing I felt comfortable with, no matter the circumstances.
So that's why I want to give something back, and where all the absence from social media and other people's streams and whatnot falls into place (wherever it applies; I did attend some streams more frequently as of late, since I needed another distraction): I've been working day and night on a retro-style indie game that was originally supposed to be a pure passion project, not to be released before god knows when... possibly somewhere around 2020 or later. I hope you may understand that, due to the events I described, this had to be rushed to the forefront somewhat.
And now you also know why I introduced myself as "involuntary full-time developer" in the beginning: because this is quite literally my last straw. I would've preferred to keep it as a hobby for the time being, but now everything pretty much depends on it.
Honestly, I don't know what to say anymore. I'm devastated, exhausted, tired. If for some reason you're feeling enticed to check this game out and give it a try, I would love for you to have a look at it here:
Death, Love & Carrots on itch.io
And if you're not into these types of games (or maybe not even into video games at all), don't worry. I would never blame anyone for their tastes. If you could share this letter though, to give other people a chance of deciding whether or not it's for them, I would be forever grateful.
This is the last plea of a broken man.